As the holidays approach, questions about what to give or receiving gifts from clients are more likely to come up. Two recent letters stimulated some points to ponder.
One of my long-term clients often gives me gifts. Usually, they’re inexpensive–flowers from her yard, a book she thinks I’d like. However, recently she gave me costly tickets to a concert she knew I was interested in.
I felt uneasy about accepting them, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She knows I’m married–the tickets were for me and my wife–so I know there’s no sexual intent. I think she’s probably lonely and appreciative of my caring attention.
As we get closer to Christmas, I anticipate another gift and don’t know how to handle it if it’s an extravagant one. On the one hand, I’m not comfortable accepting expensive gifts from her and although it hasn’t come up, from any other clients. On the other hand, I don’t know how to refuse without being rude.–Tom R., Hartford, Connecticut
Tom, you’re wise to have noticed the alarms that went off when this client gave you a costly gift. Your discomfort was a signal that it was time for you to gently set limits with her. As professionals, we don’t want to take advantage of a client’s affection, especially a client who holds us in high esteem and may have an exaggerated need to please us.
There’s usually no harm in accepting modest gifts, but we occasionally have to draw the line when a client goes overboard. In the therapeutic relationship, it’s our job to define the boundaries. If we feel that clients are trying too hard to please us, we have to find a way to let them know that such generosity is neither necessary nor appropriate.
You’re also wise to want to be sensitive to her feelings, especially since you’re so important to her. Some clients will get innocent crushes on us and want our good favor. (Those kinds of feelings aren’t the same as those of a client who makes a pass at us or is sexually interested in us–which requires firm limits and perhaps even firing them as clients.) When we have clients who think we hung the moon, we have to take care with their special affection.
If you can, the best solution would be to head this client off at the pass. Avoid the awkwardness of turning down her gift outright by letting her know ahead of time what your limits are. Perhaps you can say when the subject of the holidays comes up (or after you’ve brought it up), “I’m letting all my clients know that they certainly don’t need to bring me a present, but if they want to, just a small token would be plenty. I know you’ve been generous with me in the past and I’ve really appreciated your thoughtfulness. But it would make me uncomfortable to accept anything other than simple presents in the future. For instance, I’ve really loved it when you’ve brought flowers from your garden.”
Say this with a warm smile, looking her in the eye and staying emotionally connected to her. Also, state it as your policy for all clients so she doesn’t feel singled out. (Of course, if she is the only client who regularly brings you gifts, this speech is just for her. If you said it to all your clients, they’d think you were expecting a holiday present.)
If she protests the idea of sticking to inexpensive gifts, keep smiling and say, “I appreciate your kindness, but this is the policy I feel the most comfortable with.” Another idea, if it fits for you and seems right in the moment, is to let her know that clients who want to give a gift can donate a small amount to a charity of their choosing in your name.
Some practitioners may avoid the whole issue by establishing a policy not to accept any gifts from clients and then making sure that all their clients know it. That way they don’t have to figure out which gifts are too expensive or which might have strings attached–for instance, if a chronically late client brings you a nice present, you might wonder if he hopes you’ll start ignoring his lateness.
Fortunately, around the holidays, most giving and receiving of gifts isn’t so complicated. Generally, if clients do anything, they’ll make a small gesture to express their appreciation of your work throughout the year. Unless your employer, if you have one, doesn’t allow you to accept any presents, all that’s required is a sincere comment of gratitude.
I’d like to give my clients something for the holidays. Since I have about thirty fairly regular clients, I don’t want to do anything extravagant, but I do want to show my appreciation to them. Are there any boundary considerations that I need to be aware of?–Mary G., Jackson, Mississippi
Mary, certainly, your good work is enough of a gift to your clients. You’re not obligated to give anything more. However, if the spirit moves you to do something extra, it’s a good idea to take boundaries into account, as it is with any interaction with clients. Although, the best solutions may seem like common sense, issues can pop up in unexpected ways.
One question to consider is whether giving them a gift will make clients feel obligated to reciprocate. You could minimize that by making the gift very small–such as fruit, a flower, or a notepad–and not presenting it individually. You might, for instance, leave whatever goodies you’re offering in a basket in the waiting room with a message telling clients to feel free to take one. Or, if you’re inclined, you could have an open house at your office and invite your clients and any related business colleagues (but not your friends).
An obvious guideline is to give the same gift to all clients–no favorites. A standard gift would avoid any possible jealousies or misunderstandings that might arise among clients who know each other, or any other kind of misinterpretation. (In a recent case, a massage therapist’s intentions toward a client were questioned partly because she gave him flowers and other small presents. She had to show that she gave similar gifts to other clients.)
Some massage therapists wonder if they should reward clients who have referred others to them by giving them something extra. Whether to give presents or discounts to clients who tell others about us is a controversial subject. The answer depends on how we see ourselves–as a business owner selling a product in a heavily competitive market, like the long distance providers that give special deals if you refer a friend, or as a professional offering services, more like a counselor or physician. In the latter case, it’s not appropriate to reward clients who recognize that our work is excellent and want their friends to benefit from it also.
Other Considerations
The choice of gifts brings up other boundary concerns. For instance, it might seem harmless to give a client something that has philosophical or spiritual content, but it could be taken the wrong way. It might not be part of the client’s belief system or it might make them feel that you judge them as lacking in some way and are trying to fix them.
A friend noted, “I had my first session with a massage therapist on a day when I was feeling down and was complaining about my life. The next time I saw her, she gave me a book of cheerful daily meditations. I know she meant well, but I felt patronized. I hadn’t asked her for spiritual advice and certainly didn’t see her as someone who was capable of giving it to me. It annoyed me so much that I never went back.”
Unless you know your clients well, it’s safer to avoid presents with a message.
The giving and receiving of gifts can be a warm and joyful expression of gratitude and affection. If the person on the other end is a client, we need to make sure that such activity is a continuation of a safe and professional relationship.